You have things that need doing. That is why you are hiring a Personal
Assistant. Anytime you have two different people you have different ways
of doing things. Individual perceptions. That can be the beginning of
difficulties or it can be the enjoyment of similarities; an exciting adventure
of meeting new people or a curse. We have commented upon both at
different times.
Even though some agencies may be training people to provide personal
assistance services, you are the best person to train your personal assistant
to work for you. A good way to train a new PA is to have your present
personal assistant show how you and they work together as a team if that
has been working good for you. Be specific about personal care and
grooming. We all have our preferences about how we like things done and
that is okay. Remember, you have the right to train the person the way you
want things done. If your hair isn't parted right, or your pants aren't straight,
continue to instruct your personal assistant until it is comfortable. Let your
personal assistant know what it is you need done.
When you discuss personal preferences during the interview, it helps set the
ground so that you don't end up having someone who thinks they know
what you need. By discussion, you and the personal assistant know how
they are expected to perform on the job. If you are newly disabled and still
in the hospital, the staff can help with the training.
Some personal care, such as toileting or showering, may be embarrassing at
first. It's good to remember we all have to deal with this human stuff. Be
direct. A sense of humor can help both of you relax.
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Communication
Getting a concept of yourself as an employer can be awkward at first.
Community based, personal assistance services presents new cultural
territory. We are part of the standards being set for this kind of relationship.
It borders on the personal as well as an employment situation. You may
find it helpful to discuss with the potential PA a possible scenario in dealing
with a difficult situation during the interview process; maybe a situation you
have already worked through. Get an idea of the PA's manner of dealing
with conflict. Investigate your own.
Try not to react.
If you are having a problem and feeling really upset, try not to react. You
might try writing down feelings and thoughts about your concerns. You
could use a tape recorder to get it out.
Talk with someone you trust.
We strongly encourage talking with a friend or other safe person with whom
you can vent your feelings. Let someone know you are having problems.
You may be in a better position to express yourself with a little feedback
and perspective on a situation.
Take a risk, communicate, don't let bad feelings linger.
Letting the PA know you are unhappy about something means taking a risk.
You may feel the person won't care. He/she may say or do something that
is not pleasant. Trust that he/she can deal with it. It is important to
communicate your feelings on a regular basis. Don't let bad feelings linger.
Clear things up as reasonably quickly as possible. Unresolved issues can
really hurt you emotionally as well as physically if it's preventing you from
communicating your health and safety needs.
Try to approach a situation non-defensively.
When communicating in stressful situations many times it's not so much what
you say but the manner in which you say it. When talking to a person, look
at him/her directly. Evasive eye contact may convey a message that you
want to avoid an issue. Ignorance is not bliss. If you don't face things they
will not go away, they just smolder down under.
Establish a safety support net.
Have an friend or advocate check to see if you are OK if you feel the
personal assistant may leave you stranded. It helps to be prepared for
situations in which issues are not resolved and the personal assistant quits or
must be terminated.
Some positive ways in communication are:
- I would like you to do this.
- I would appreciate your help with...
- When you do that, I feel (angry, sad, happy).
- I'm not sure of what you said, would you clarify it for me?
- I really enjoy your conversation, but I need some quiet time now.
- Could we resume it later?
- I don't feel so well (physically or emotionally) today, so if I seem
distant don't take it personally.
Frequent talks.
Discuss on a regular basis what you expect you and the personal assistant to
accomplish. Everyone needs to be appreciated. Don't forget to let the PA
know of things they do you like also.
Opportunities for feedback.
We all need feedback. It's nice to know if what you are doing is of benefit
for the person you are doing it for. You don't need to grovel and you don't
need to be phony.
Role as employer.
Many of us have felt like we had to come way out of ourselves in the role of
employer. We might have to open up in ways that challenge us if we are
quiet people for example.
You are responsible.
It should be understood that you are responsible for making decisions
regarding your personal care and managing your household. In order for the
relationship to work out, it is important that each of you respects the other
one.
Since we are in the position of having someone in our lives to assist us with
functioning it helps to:
Be knowledgeable about your disability and body.
Develop good management skills. Know how you want your household to
run and be organized. There are different ways of doing things. You may be
open for suggestions, however, if it is not what you prefer, don't be afraid to
state that
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Boundaries
We all have boundaries, it's normal. It may even be more necessary for those
of us that have certain physical needs which cause us more vulnerability. The
need to have some sense of control in our lives. It's normal human kind of
thing.
If you have someone living with you, you may need to say no to things like
borrowing clothes, money or personal things. You may need to set
boundaries regarding socializing. You may feel guilty. Do it anyway.
Avoidance is a breeding ground for resentment.
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Assertiveness
In the context of this manual, the PA needs to know what you need
assistance with and how you would like it done.
Assertion involves standing up for personal rights and expressing thoughts
feelings and beliefs in direct, honest, and appropriate ways which do not
violate another person's rights.
The basic message in assertion is:
- This is what I think.
- This is what I feel.
- This is how I see the situation.
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Mutual Respect
Respect is involved in being assertive; respect for oneself, that is expressing
one's needs and defending one's rights, as well as respect for the other
person's needs and rights. An example will help clarify the kind of respect
involved in assertive behavior.
"I'd like to help you out, but I feel uncomfortable loaning my car." The
assertive refusal shows the two-fold respect: Self-respect in the
self-confident way the request is refused and respect for the other person's
right to ask. The goal of assertion is communication and "mutuality": That is:
To get and give respect and to ask for fair play
To leave room for compromise when the needs and rights of two
people conflict
In assertive behavior, the nonverbal actions are congruent with the verbal
messages and add support, strength, and emphasis to what is being said
verbally. Some of the nonverbal behaviors which may be important in
assertion include:
- Ability to retain eye contact without staring
- Stating ones position without pontificating
- Loudness of speech appropriate to situation
- Tone and quality in speech
- Length of time it takes the person to respond
- Body gestures which denote strength are used
- Speech pattern is fluent, expressive, clear, and emphasizes key words.
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People with Unique
Communication
Some of the gestures and behavior mentioned point directly at areas
expression which are not the same for everybody. A person's speech and
body movement may not fit in with what is so called normal. Sometimes a
person speech may take longer to understand. Their unique body language
may not be obvious.
The person with a disability that this effects will need to get feedback from
the PA about their understanding of what was communicated. This takes
extra effort and training on the part of both the person with a disability and
the PA.
It takes time to get to know a person as an individual. That is true for us all
and often that doesn't happen.
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Deference and
Non-Assertion:
What can I say ... I feel just awful saying this , really bad ... I can't loan you
my car. Oh gee, what a terrible thing to say!" Here the person refused the
request, but did it in a way that showed lack of self-respect: It suggested that
the refuter was a bad person who should not have denied the request.
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Aggression
Aggression involves violating the rights of the other person. People acting
aggressively are often dishonest, inappropriate and consumed with their own
expression of thoughts, feelings and beliefs.
The usual goal of aggression is domination and winning, forcing the other
person to lose. Winning is insured by humiliating, degrading, belittling, or
overpowering other people so that they become weaker and less able to
express and defend their needs and rights.
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Compromise
In compromise neither person sacrifices basic integrity and both get some of
their needs satisfied. The compromise may be one person gets her needs
taken care of immediately while the other person gets taken care of a little
later. For example, one weekend the friends see a movie and the next
weekend they bowl. The compromise may involve both parties giving up a
little.
Assertiveness Examples
A man with disabilities had planned in advance to attend a concert he
had long wanted to see. The day before the concert, his personal
assistant asked him to find another driver, because the personal
assistant had just gotten a dinner invitation from a buddy. The disabled
man let the personal assistant know that he appreciated and understood
the personal assistant's desire to go to dinner with the friend. Then he
reminded the personal assistant of the previous agreement to drive him
to the concert. The man also pointed out that it was too late for him to
make other arrangements, so the personal assistant would have to fulfill
the commitment to drive him to the concert.
A woman with disabilities had hired a man to be her personal assistant.
At the time of the interview, she explicitly stated that she had no interest
in combining work with romantic involvement. After a month of
employment, the man started making passes and suggestive remarks to
her.
She reminded him of their conversation at the time of hiring. She said
she was sorry about his feelings for her but she did not feel the same
way. She stated that she would appreciate him not bringing up the issue
again. If he brought it up again, she would have terminate his
employment. The man said he was sorry, too, and would respect her
wishes. He said he would like to give a 2-week notice of termination
and then leave, because he could not promise his feelings would change.
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Conflict
If you have a conflict over:
- Duties
- Pay
- Time off
- Social conduct
- Use of property
Remind the person of their agreement. If they refuse to comply with your
wishes, act promptly and firmly to have them replaced.
If conflict arises over the use of personal property without permission, each
should be reminded of what was agreed upon in the contract.
Think ahead of your boundaries regarding borrowing clothing or jewelry.
Respect each other's privacy. Talk about phone usage and how messages are
taken. Discuss your boundaries around your room and belongings being
private. Discuss your expectations about visitors and overnight guests.
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Standards of
Acceptable Behavior
The Washington Coalition of Citizens with disABILITIES has established a
standard for acceptable and non-acceptable behavior that applies to the
personal assistant and the employer.
Acceptable:
- Doing the duties that you as an personal assistant agreed to in the
contract.
- Treating the person with disabilities as an adult.
- Being dependable and on time. If that is not possible, call and let the
employer know.
- Showing respect and proper care of personal property.
- Having the social conduct and behavior that was agreed on in the
contract.
- Being honest in all aspects of the work.
- Sharing kindness, consideration and patience.
- Being flexible in times of unexpected events.
- Personal assistant sees the person with disabilities as the employer.
- Having a good attitude about disability.
- Allowing each to discuss problems without feeling threatened or being
judged.
- Maintain an attitude of learning.
Unacceptable:
- Being undependable and making unreasonable excuses for being late or
not calling.
- Being physically or verbally abusive.
- Being dishonest, lying, stealing time and money, damaging property.
- Gossiping -- not keeping your employer's confidence.
- Showing unwillingness to do duties -- putting them off for more than
one day when it is not necessary.
- Showing unacceptable social behavior and performing activities not
agreed on in the contract.
- Particularly unacceptable is behavior that could lead to eviction.
- Not allowing the person with disabilities to be the employer. Deciding
you are going to run the show.
- Leaving the job or terminating without advance notice.
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